My Unkept Secrets

6:28PM - Relief and Regrets

I fell in love with Black Lagoon when a friend who did a stint in Iraq passed through town. He and my husband are friends from Way Back, and they share a passion for anime that I cannot rival (or really understand) because much of anime feels so incomplete. Like many series, Black Lagoon left me unsatisfied by the ending, so I turned to fanfic to gets some closure. Unlike many series, BL lacked adequate fanfic to finish out the story for me.

The stories in the archive fell into four main categories.

The first type is the Backstory, some of which are very good (see Amigodude's "GunPunk"), but these stories delve into the past instead of finishing out the story and, thus, cannot scratch my closure itch.

The second is the OC Intruder, almost all of which are so terrible that I stopped reading their ilk altogether. These stories are all about some newcomer who arrives in Roanapur with some stereotypical super-power to wreck up the joint. Besides the obvious self-insert problem, OC Intruder stories focus on the (duh) OC, so the characters that I love from BL are relegated to the sideline. Again, no closure. Indeed, no development of any kind.

The third type is the Hook Up. These stories mash together two characters (the dominant couple being Rock and Revy) with almost no thought to reality. The characters kiss and promptly melt into sentimental piles of mush. After that, the story dissolves into a lemon or some contrived rescue tale. I am a huge advocate of the Love Story, but the Hook Up is just wankery.

The fourth type is the Joke. Any number of absurd concepts get crammed under this headline. All are cotton candy-- no substance. Rock and Revy discover they are married! WHEEEEEEE! They can be fun, but they aren't serious.

Of course, there were a smattering of other stories, but what the archive lacked was tale that could provide me with any sort of resolution, so I decided to write it.

My goals were simple:
- Disrupt the status quo of Roanapur to force changes in the characters
- Make the above a natural extension of the pre-established BL-verse. No need for new characters.
- Write love stories that made sense for my two beloved BL couples (Revy/Rock, Chang/Balalaika)
- Accomplish the above without compromising the strength and grit of the characters by turning them into into soppy, lovelorn teenagers
- Kick a lot of ass

The last one was the most important to me. I wanted to go big. Put another way, I wanted to write the best story in the archive. I decided to use the number of reviews as the metrics by which I could gauge this final goal.

So, how did I do?

Review-wise, "Sweet Attack" rules the BL archive. More surprisingly, I pulled much larger numbers for this story than my other full-length piece ("The Rushing Wind"), which lives in a much-larger archive. The last four chapters of "Sweet Attack" smashed my 'personal best' one-day readership levels in succession. I think I can put a check in the Kick Ass box.

As a side note, I also got lots of love from fellow authors via PM and a fair number of requests for beta work as a result of "Sweet Attack". I love editing and deeply cherish two friendships in particular that have grown out of PMs. These unforeseen rewards are invaluable to me.

My first two goals are related to plot, and I am going to check those off the list as well. I wrote the story that I wanted to write. I did not depend on the strength of any new characters to forward the action. In fact, you many have noticed that I killed off all OCs that I created for this story. Did I ace these goals? Well, no. As Gramnegative pointed out, the ending could have been more final. My gang war was, in retrospect, too convoluted. Some parts dragged. It's not consistently brilliant, but I do think it has some brilliant moments.

The third and fourth goals are a little squishier. Yes, I did write love, but I drifted into the maudlin at times. Over-dramatic. Over-blown. Over-cooked. I have the bad habit of getting caught up in my own words and making the characters less than awesome. I think that I can check these off with dimmer marks, but I know that I could have done better here.

I am glad that I am done, but I do have some lingering regrets. My main hope is that someone shows up and writes a better story than I did for the archive, that people are inspired and try to top my tale. I want a fifth category of kick-ass stories to dominate in the fandom. That would be fantastic.

8:56PM - "Sweet Attack" Wrap-Up

This story wasn't meant to take nearly so long to write. I have a bouquet of excuses, but the truth is that I lost focus.

I really hope that this final chapter brings enough resolution for the reader without putting constricting bands on the future-space of the story. I dislike neat package with pretty bows. And Roanapur isn't a "Happily Ever After" place. Yes, there is love, but there are also challenges.

I did surprise myself with the ending. The original scope of the project had Revy end up as Rock's permanent black guard, but when I got to this chapter, it just didn't fit. I toyed with the ending until that dream died. My vision for the New Black Lagoon company gave way to the resurrection of the old Black Lagoon. Sometimes, this happens with a story. If you try and try to make an idea fit and it just doesn't, then you have to pitch the plan. There's no shame in re-routing, as long as the heart of the story stays on course.

I also pitched a scene in which Benny and Rock revisit their earlier heart-to-heart about their respective lady loves. Benny reveals that he still loves Jane, but seeing her again confirmed that their relationship was meant for cyberspace. They cannot be together in "real life". The scene was meant to cast doubt on Rock and Revy's ability to make it together, but the chapter got too long and too boring. The talking scene got the axe.

In the end, I wrote that story that I wanted to write with "Sweet Attack". I learned a bunch about my strengths and weaknesses as a writer. More than that, I made some new friends along the way. All of those reviews and PMs made me a very happy panda. I feel honored that my tale has been so popular.

I hope to come back to the story one day to clean out all of my embarrassing typos, tighten my oft overdramatic prose, and generally make it work better. No major re-writes. Just editing. In the meantime, I'm happy to be done enough and have no plans for any lengthy projects now. I'll dabble in one-shots until I can commit to a project this ambitious again. In the meantime, I'll slide into reader mode and leave a decimating trail of reviews in my wake.

Current mood: tired

6:54PM - Notes on "Eda in the Morning"

It's no big secret that Gramnegative is one of most beloved friends. In honor of the holidays, I suggested that we write each other Black Lagoon stories because we met when he posted a comment to my BL tale "Sweet Attack".

I was really worried about deadlines on this story because December is 100% insanity for me, but I managed to snag a few hours today to get it out of my head and onto the screen.

I opted to use Eda and Dutch because they are some of Gram's favorite characters, and the rest of it was my wicked imagination playing with a scenario. I like writing love stories, but happy endings just don't suit Black Lagoon. I am aware that it is a little odd, but I liked it. Writing a true short story was a pleasant break from my ongoing struggles with longer works as well.

For those of you who care, a Janis Joplin is a real drink. It's equal parts Southern Comfort and Jack Daniels over crushed ice. The name comes from (surprise) Janis Joplin, who rather liked them according to music lore.

4:56PM - Sweet Attack Notes: Chapter 12

Gramnegative suggested that I read some action novels before attacking another battle scene, and I am inclined to agree. I know that it's not superior work; I have no faith in my ability to write action sequences. I do have faith in my story, so here's hoping that Rock's plan and the relationships of the story overshadow the crummy gun battles.

I'm thrilled to be done with this chapter and onto Chapter 13. One chapter left, followed by an Epilogue for closure's sake.

Whee!

2:10PM - The e.e. cummings Fallacy

Got this in a PM:
I think, a long time ago, something like an title sans caps would've kept me from clicking on a fic link, but nowadays to me that'd be like looking at e.e. cummings' stuff and going, "He spells his -name- in lowercase. His stuff? Can't be bothered." Ahaha, I know it's kind of weird. I'm probably really biased because of the style I write and the various authors whose works I follow all sort of...defy convention.

Let's not flatter ourselves, my fellow fanfic authors. Very, very few people have the talent to pull off unconventional in writing. Yes, e.e. cummings was one. But can you tell explain why he opted to ignore the established rules of grammar in poetry, an already grammatically loose medium? He wasn't some kid filled with self-righteous rebellion. He had purpose. Can you articulate it?

Better yet...can you name five other writers who redefined conventions and explain why?

I can. Ready, go!

1. Gertrude Stein: Also a modern writer (modern, not to be confused with contemporary), Stein exploded the form of prose in comparable ways to the literary experiments of e.e. cummings.

2. Geoffrey Chaucer: Bucking tradition, he wrote his primary piece ( The Canterbury Tales for anyone who slept through that part of senior lang arts)in English vernacular when most of the Europe's educated wrote in Latin, French, or Italian. This defiant act canonized English as an accepted artistic language.

3. J.R.R. Tolkien: Single-handedly started the fantasy genre based on Anglo-Saxon ideals and mythos.

4. Thesbis: Invented the character.

5. Robert Lowell: Founder of the Confessional movement. Although his skill is often eclipsed by the tragic tales of his tragic followers (Anne Sexton and Sylvia Plath), Lowell's deeply personal and highly emotive style and subject matter profoundly altered accepted tone of poetry.

My point? I think most writers on ffnet don't know whose literary shoulders they are standing on. It's not unconventional when the way has been cleared, paved, and clearly marked by the great minds who have come before us. You aren't a special, unique snowflake. Neither am I. No biggie.

While I've seen enough talent in the stories to have faith that a few fanfic writers are capable of pulling off unconventional, I have not read a single thing on ffnet that is ground-breaking. Very good writing? Yes. Very creative ideas? Yes. But landmark leaps in literary tradition? No. Again, let's not flatter ourselves. We are writing stories based on the creative property of others; we do not have the huevos to be unconventional in any meaningful, new way.

Failing to capitalize the title of your fanfic story isn't homage to e.e. cummings; it's a childish plea for attention, a mingy attempt at intellectualism, or sheer ignorance of protocol.

The "But e.e. cummings Did It!" excuse is the equally nefarious twin of the "Grammar Doesn't Matter" defense. It reveals a jaw-dropping level of immaturity in any writer.

(Notice that I didn't use 'stupidity'. You can work your way out of immaturity, whereas stupidity is a permanent condition.)

9:47AM - "Sweet Attack": Chapter 9 Notes

About 3K words into this chapter, I realized that the amount of material that I needed to cover in my scoped version was unrealistic. My plan called for a neat split in Revy's and Rock's POV, and given that Revy's topped out at around 4K and it felt like a good place to end, I did.

The bad/good news is that the rest of the material on my outline must shift into a new chapter, bringing the grand total up to 14. Chapter 12 committed mitosis last weekend, too.

Speaking of last weekend, I apologize for the lack of updating. Two factors knocked me off my groove: the ongoing pregnancy drama and the invasion of Gramnegative's fascinating PMs. I had too much on my mind to dedicate any creative energies to writing, but I missed it (as evident by the early posting). Hopefully, I can use this weekend to get a jump on next week's chapter.

Or not. Ty3 wrote a darling Mao/Weber piece, and wow. Inspiration Central.

Oh! In case anyone cares, Baby is still growing. I call her Revy because (1)she's kicking my ass at 8 weeks old and (2) the only time that I feel vaguely normal is when I'm at the gym. Baby likes chin-ups.

If it's a boy, I'll have to re-nickname to...I dunno...

8:27AM - Ending "Baile"

I've been reading Dr. Gonzo's BtVS/Black Lagoon crossovers, and it's falling into the same trap as the original "Baile". Too many charcters in the fray with the main BL foursome relegated to side-kick status. Too many plot complications that sound/look cool but add too much heft to the story.

I may have to stop reading the Good Doctor's stuff for the same reason that I've given up on Rei until the next story arch comes along. Specifically, I get so weighed down with "stuff" of the story that I lose the emotional impact of the story.

The crux of both stories is that Roberta sacrifices her singular chance at redemption to become an avenger. She makes the choice to abandon Garcia. She surrenders, wholly, to the demons of her soul (her inate bloodlust, her mental illness, her thirst for revenege).

To be blunt, she can't be saved. The only ending that makes any sense is her death, so I start tuning out. Sad, I know. I should pay attention to stories that end in a kiss, but dang! I don't have much free time. I need it snappy because I'm worn through.

Back to the stories...

In my mind's ending, Roberta accidently/madly kills Garcia, recognizes on some level that she is a horror unto the world afterwards, and then let herself be killed.

Given what happened to little Gretel, I can say there is precedence for demanding such penance. But (the big but...) it would take guts to kill a character like Roberta.

I hope both writers are strong enough to do it.

Current mood: thoughtful

3:14PM - Personal Whine-a-thon (Ignore This Post and Go About Your Life)

FFnet is down and very down. Boo. I can't do a thing besides browse the archives. No PMs either (maybe tomorrow, my dear Professor?).

Moving on.

The joke behind my choice in screen names is that I'm a terrible secret keeper. I just don't see the point. Perhaps I have less than the average allotment of shame sensors, but I can't seem to summon the energy or endure the agony that comes with keeping a secret.

But I have a secret now. And I hate keeping it.

So I've already confessed in this venue that I am pregnant. Four or five weeks along at this point. I find out all the gritty details on Wednesday. What I didn't mention is that I can't tell anyone in the Real World besides the husband. I have some health issues, and there's a chance that Baby won't keep. I was in the process of working through adjustments in meds in order to coax my traitor body into a state more conducive to baby-baking when I found out, and it's been a bit of a scramble to realign my daily routines to accommodate this quasi-surprise. I didn't think that I would be able to get pregnant. We were fully prepared to give it an honest go for a few years and then end up adopting out of foster care.

Common practice is to keep pregnancy private for twelve weeks. Usually, family is told sooner (at around eight weeks). Because of our situation, Husband and I made the decision not to tell anyone until it becomes painfully obvious. I just can't deal with losing Baby and facing down everyone and our mothers with the sad news. I'm hoping for a Christmas news-breaking, but it may be as soon as Thanksgiving. I'd like to keep it quiet until the baby is viable at around 6 months, but I think someone will figure it out before then. I don't think my mom is going to fall for the "I'm just getting fat" line for that long.

The subterfuge of this secret keeping is so tiresome. I went out with The Girls last night, and my sister/best friend kept bringing me wine. I pawned it off on others, poured it down the sink, pretended to sip. I had to come with excuses about allergies to avoid my customary smoke out back. I nursed a mug of coffee for hours to maintain the illusion of my caffeine-fixation.

So much work. So exhausting. (No thanks to you, genetic-disorder/first-trimester energy killer combo).

My secret is leaking out here because I have nowhere else to go with it, and I'm so tired and so sick. And hey! Anonymous blog.

Current mood: tired

3:03PM - Black Lagoon and FMP!

These series shouldn't have much in common. The mecha high school fantasy. The ultra-violent gangster reality. The basic premise of these animes, however, are nearly identical.

Both take one guy with a savior complex out of his element and thrust him into a situation that negates nearly all of his previous training. He becomes the outsider, the newcomer, and he is lost. Luckily for him, a powerful if tempearmental woman dominates this new reality, and she guides him into this brave new world. She complains about his ineptitude and berates his personality, but she tends to him all the same. He stays because of her. In her world, no one sees her as attainable, but he treats her differently. They need each other to survive, and the bizarre chemistry between them stays with me after the series ends.

Add in a competent cast of memorable secondary characters, and presto!

I'm a fan.

Current mood: geeky

12:42PM - 12%

Yesterday's reader traffic beat out the opening day numbers for all previous chapters of "Sweet Attack". The hitherto record holder was chapter four ("Ciao Bella"), and this one beat it by 12%. Whee!

Guess it has taken a few chapters to recover from the disasterous Balalaika chapter. Oof.

(Yes, I am aware of how small this analysis is...stop judging me...I can feel you judging me...)

Current mood: amused

2:28PM - "Sweet Attack": Chapter 8 Notes

There is a saying that people often misunderstand.

"Love conquers all" does not mean "Love makes everything possible" or even "Those in love can overcome any obstacle".

Virgil-- you did know that he's the quotee, right?-- personified love with a capital 'L', and it's not a cute little cherub with a quill of candy-stick arrows. Love is a brute. Love will crush you, so you might as well give it up and surrender now because Love is a goddamn conquistador. It fights dirty, and Love conquers us all in the end.

This chapter is about a simple man hopelessly embroiled in a complex situation, but what I adore about Chang is the profound absence of bullshit. He realizes that he is love's bitch, and he is man enough to admit it (to paraphrase Spike). This chapter is about his surrender to Love.

Rock and Chang are alike in this manner. They can say it. They can own it.

Unfortunately for them, Revy and Balalaika are like my husband. They love the battle, and they won't admit defeat until they are under Love's boot. They want to lose, but they need the fight first.

Sweet Attack.

You with me now?

Good. :-)

I tried to add a little Chang wit into this chapter. I think it worked, but my sense of humor is drier than most.

Other than that, I am really struggling with my energy levels this week. If this gets much worse, I'll need to slow down my weekly posting pace.

*grumble, stupid baby, grumble* I knew that we should have adopted. Miracle of life, my ass!

Current mood: determined

6:31PM - Tired

I am so tired. I think I need to take a week off from writing.

Either that or I need to remember to eat before I go to spin class on Saturday mornings.

Or maybe I should just wait another couple of months, have this dang kid, and then get all my energy back.

A-hahahahahaha! *wipes tear* Right, like that's going to happen.

I just need to suck it up and write while I can.

Current mood: exhausted

9:52PM - How Rei F-ed It Up

(Spoilers for the manga of Black Lagoon ahead! Read at your own risk!)



Even the die-hards have trouble coming up with positives of "El Baile de la Muerte", the latest and longest story arch of the Black Lagoon manga.

Several fans have offered their diagnosis for why this story is failing. It's too long with too much story and not enough pay-out. Rei has recycled ideas that have worked in the past (Hey look! A second maid!), and these gimmicks are stale. It's unrealistic. And did I mention that it's long? It's really f-ing long.

Amigodude almost lost it when Roberta went Terminator in the jungle armed only with a single-shot, flintlock rifle. He says that the story jumped the shark at that moment.

None of these issues bother me as much as this: Rei has failed to assign any risk in the current story arch to any of the main characters. Revy will gain or lose nothing in particular. Dutch will gain or lose nothing in particular. Ditto Benny. Rock might feel bad about failing to protect Garcia, but he'll get over it. He couldn't save his Japanese schoolgirl, and he endured.

I think Rei wants the audience to be all "Oh noes! The Maid will bring down the status quo of Roanapur! OMG!". It's an end-of-the-world scenario, and I guess that I'm supposed to be scared. I'm not. This is a fictional city full of the Walking Dead. They don't value life. Why should I?

More importantly, I don't believe for a second that anyone would really suffer if Uncle Sam bum-rushed the Thai Gangster's Paradise. I think everyone would just flee to other, equally seedy cities and start ove. Sure, Chang and Balalaika might be dethroned, but even our tsarista seems to look forward to a blow-out final battle and sweet death. Only Chang really likes things the way that they are, and I can't help but see him retiring to Haiwaiin beach if it all goes black.

So the giant sword dangling over everyone's head is more like a bucket of water propped above a door. It would be uncomfortable but certainly not deadly if it all came down.

No stakes.

But let's pretend that the worst case scenario was really scary. "El Baile" would still suck.

Do me a favor and watch any cataclysmic end-of-days scenario movie. What do they all have in common?

1. The main characters have main roles in preventing the tragedy.
Who stops the evil wizard lord in the Harry Potter Series? HARRY F-ING POTTER! And that's the way it should be. The titular characters should get the good bits. Not so lately in the BL world. In "El Baile", we hardly see Dutch and Benny. Revy does a little gun-slinging because Rock has a savior complex, but it's clear that only Garcia and Fabiola can really stop the Invincible Maid of Death. Our beloved Lagoon crew has been relegated to secondary character status for this story arch.

2. The main characters have a personal goal that they are fighting to achieve.
Saving the world is all good and noble, but it doesn't really pull in the audience. Garcia and Fabiola have a personal goal-- they want Roberta back, and they are willing to go into Hell to find her and they know that she may be beyond saving. Love and loyalty drive them to this extreme. None of the other characters have a compelling reason to act on "El Baile", especially our main four Lagooners. Of course, Rock tries to save every lost cause, and that's a parallel to how he may or may not be able to save Revy from the darkness. Can someone who has gone really and truly over the edge ever come back? A valid question. But Rei isn't playing that up at all for Revy and Rock. He gives us some crap about guns and bullets plus a near-naked Revy and calls it square. LAME.

3. Every character has a role to play in the plot.
Frodo is the only one who can carry the Ring. Sam is the only one who can keep Frodo sane long enough to get to Mordor. Aragon is the only one who can protect them, but he lacks certain key skills to do it and thus needs.... You get the idea. In "El Baile", Rei is trotting out all of his characters, but their screen time doesn't always contribute to advancing the plot. He is tossing in a bunch of stuff that doesn't need to be there just for the sake of having it there. Example: Eda and her spy links. With so many characters playing all these insignificant parts, the story loses focus and the audience stops caring.

In brief, Rei is making amateur mistakes that even the most banal of Hollywood movies can avoid. He is counting on the fetishes of his audience and the shitty-pretty shine of his imaginary Roanapur to cover for the absence of these most basic of plot devices.

3:57PM - "Get A Clue": Chapter Four Notes

It's not particularly original or funny or cute, but it felt deliciously wonderful to indulge my intense love of parallelism by dipping a toe back into the FMP! fandom again after a two month absence.

I have two more parts to this story outlined, and then, I'm totally out of FMP! ideas.

Current mood: happy

10:55AM - The "Fiction is Fiction" Fallacy

kiseki08 included a detail in her latest chapter of "Imitation Hell" that bothered me. In the story, the characters go rabbit hunting. To drive the little critters up from their burrows, they use smoke bombs. She specifically points out that the smoke only affects rabbits.

This was a really small detail in an otherwise fun chapter, but I felt obligated to nit-pick. Smoke is smoke. It affects all breathing creatures in the same way, and layering the ground with it would making rabbit hunting rather difficult. It just didn't make any sense to me.

kiseki08 agreed, sort of. Her response? "good point about the rabbits, but fiction is fiction. [sic]"

This statement makes me convulse with aggravation because it summarizes why so many aspiring writers are destined to suck.

Allow me to explain.

There is a thing callled the "willing suspension of disbelief" that allows an audience to enjoy an imaginative piece of entertainment. We know that people can't have spidey powers and that hobbits don't exists and that there's no Platform 9 3/4 at King's Cross Station. We know how the world works, but humans are imaginative. We can accept all sorts of impossibilties as long as those impossibilities fit into a storyworld that seems real.

So how does the storyteller go about making something fanciful appear realistic?

Simple. At the beginning of the story, the storyteller (writer, director, etc.) establishes the rules for the world of the story. To revisit the example, Peter Parker is introduced as a geeky albeit sweet guy who lives in NYC. The audience knows NYC, so we make a bunch of assumptions right off the bat. People can't fly. Cars can't fly. Dogs bark. Cabbies honk and curse, and so on. When he gets spider powers, NYC responds like we would think NYC would respond. Some people love Spiderman, and some people hate him. He's a great news story, and despite his powers, Peter Parker still struggles to make rent and get the girl.

We are willing to indulge the fanciful part of the story because it's freaking called Spiderman and the premise of the story is that a guy gets spider powers, but we won't indulge other violations of the established reality. If a herd of gazelles suddenly shows up in Spiderman's NYC, the audience thinks, "What the crap are a bunch of gazelles doing in NYC?" Nevermind that guy with super powers web-slinging through the skyscrapers. That part of fantasy is fine. But the gazelles are totally out of place.

Fiction may be fiction, but the storyteller has to play by the rules of the world that he or she has created, and the audience will unforgivingly punish violations of those rules.

Another example: If Harry Potter suddenly knew exactly what to say to win over the ladies at all times, we would roll our eyes because Harry is a normal guy who just happens to be a wizard with a heavy destiny. He's not a smooth-talking lady killer. Ever. Not even a little.

Heck, Tolkien established an entire other world with LOtR with magic rings and mythical creatures, but if a spaceship suddenly turned up in the Shire, the audience would pitch a fit.

Writers can establish all sorts of rules, but once those rules are set, they are must be treated as sacred or the audience will abandon the story.

Black Lagoon is set in an imaginary city populated with characters with amazing abilities, but the rest of the details of BL's world align with the real world. I'll believe in a gun-slinger girl named Revy who can dodge bullets through sheer speed while she shoots with both hands, but I won't buy magic smoke that only gives watery eyes and burning lungs to rabbits.

"Fiction is fiction" is a pathetic excuse offered up for violating the rules of the writer's own world either by naive short-sightedness or by conscious bad decision-making. Either way represents an absolute failure to understand what makes a story feel real to the audience, but the former is forgivable in amateur writers because they are still growing. It's not forgivable in professional writers because they should know better.

As for the latter, it's the kiss of death for any chance that the writer will some day fail to suck.

6:48PM - "Sweet Attack": Chapter Seven Notes

Posting a tad early this week. And lo! It's a tad citrus-y, albeit non-explicit citrus. Reward me with lots of kind, useful reviews?

I really do owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to Amigodude. This chapter started to teeter into the saccharine, and he helped me reel it back from the edge. He's quite wonderful really, and why he puts up with me is a profound mystery. I recommend reading all of his stories and leaving many adoring reviews.

Moonlith expressed that she thought Rock's confession in Chapter 6 came out of nowhere, and that is a fair critique. It did pop up quite quickly from Revy's POV (and thus for you, dear reader, as well). I hope that this chapter helped clarify why Rock dropped that particular verbal bomb and why I had to structure the story this way.

Poor Rock. He's not so great at holding back. He shares that trait with Revy, much to their detriment.

The back-to-back Rock/Revy heavy chapters serve another purpose: highlight the contrast between these characters and underscore the obstacles between them. We all agree that Rock is a Nice Guy, but what does he really have to offer Revy? Love? What's she supposed to do with that? As Amigodude pointed out, Chang has the money and the power, the two things that Revy craves, so it's only natural that she would gravitate towards him. However, the enormous age gap combined with a bad clash of personalities negates any romantic possibilities between Revy and Chang. I believe that she respects Chang and likes him, but she's not in love with him. Revy would only offer sex as a bargaining chip to earn her keep (to put it bluntly) and stay in the Triads. In this light, her decision to surrender to Rock's kisses signifies that she desires our beloved salaryman for reasons that have nothing to do with her typical motivators. She isn't getting money or power by sleeping with Rock. She does it for another reason. Acceptance? Happiness? Sheer carnal pleasure? I'll try to explain why and further flesh out my version of Revy as the story progresses.

The common obstacle that Revy/Rock and Chang/Balalaika share is that love really won't help them. It's a complication and an impediment. But attraction is there. And snatches of happiness can be found when the couples are together. I ask the question: is this enough? Can love suffice?

In other anime fandoms, love is valued above everything else, and I openly admit that this is a love story but it's a Black Lagoon love story. There is no Happily Ever After for villians.

On a happier note, Adridere wrote in her review of Ch 6: "At least, she did not shoot him right there. That is like 'I love you too' in Revy's language." How true is that?!? Amigodude said something very similar, and I ended up working that bit into this chapter because I was so utterly amused.

And if you want to get my Rawberry joke, search "Power Thirst" on youtube.

Current mood: restless

12:32PM - "Sweet Attack": Chapter Six Notes

Mid-way point! Woo!

This chapter is brought to you by Daft Punk's "Make Love", which I listened to on repeat for the ten or so hours it took to write this. I wanted to listen to Jason Mraz's "If It Kills Me", but I can't find the live version of the song and the album version isn't the same. If anyone can direct me to it, please do!

I don't have much to say here except that I am running out of clever ways to insert flashbacks, and I am so, so grateful that the next one doesn't pop up until the last chapter. Telling stories out of order is tricksy.

Chapter Seven should be up soon. I had to write a solid third of it already because it's so closely tied to the events of this chapter.

Other tidbits:
- I change my writing style a bit to reflect the character whose POV I am channeling. I try to use words, phrases, and metaphors that I believe that the character would use/think. This is why I use slurs, curse words, etc., in this piece that I would NEVER use in real life. It's not me; it's the characters.

- I finally reconciled the ending. It's not the best, but it will do.

- Will someone please write me a backstory of Dutch and Balalaika? Please? I will return the favor!

EDIT: Holy schmoly! Upon re-reading, I realized that I am totally writing Rock as the girl in this relationship. He's always been the girl, though, right? Sleeping Rock Beauty shaken awake by our princely Revy on her PT boat stallion.

Current mood: productive

10:44AM - Major Inspiration for "Sweet Attack"

6:58PM - "Sweet Attack": A Glimpse into the Planning

My stories have an ending before they have a middle or even a beginning. I know how I want things to be, and the story builds itself backwards. A master outline keeps me on track to finish.

Chapter Five was written largely on planes and in cars or in those quiet moments in a hotel at the end of the day. I didn't have my outline at all, just my memory of the outline.

Today, I went back to the original notes. Guess I got off-track this time.

Chapter 5. Balalaika’s POV
a.) She calls on Boris to get ready. He agrees to head back. She can tell that something is going to break. She's being manipulated, frustrated, like what she did to that Romanian brat. Even now, she can feel the sniper's crosshairs on her neck.
b.) Boris and the boys see her as their Valkryie. She isn’t a woman to them. She is a leader. She is the meaning. They look to her.
c.) Reveal to why she likes being with Chang. Chang doesn’t expect her to orchestrate a glorious death for him. (But she probably will)
d.) She can't trust anyone. It’s unclear who they will go after first. Hotel Moscow has the best trained troops, but the Triads are endless. If Chang turns the full force on them, Hotel Moscow will suffer, but so will they. They fighting is still small, but it can't last.
e.) On her way to the main building, a street child snaps her photo and offers to sell it to her. A tourist scam. Balalaika declines. The child stinks, and she is happy when it scampers off.
f.) Boris is brought in. Someone got him, but it was a lucky bullet.
g.) Balalaika kicks everyone out.
h.) Boris apologizes, explains. "I remember your hair streaming out from behind you. It was our banner. As long as you lead us, we were happy. I'm sorry, Kaptain. I was just like them. I never walked beside you. Not really. As much as I loved you, I made you walk ahead."
i.) When he passes, she has nothing to do, no one who will understand.
j.) She calls Chang, lights a cigar. She hears a commotion and then his voice. "I heard." He lights up, too.
k.) Silence and longing.

I think I liked the original version of Boris's confession more. I might have to go back and change it.

Current mood: tired

4:18PM - "Sweet Attack": Chapter 5 Notes

Oh, don't look at me like that. I had to kill Boris. Really I did.

As Balalaika articulates to Chang quite eloquently in the manga, she and her men long for glory and death. This is the single biggest obstacle to Rock's plan to re-unite the warring gangs of Roanapur. You can't persuade someone who wants to die that laying down arms is a good idea. You may have noticed that I always personify death by making it a proper name when writing from Balalaika's POV. She's got a little death cult action going on. The only thing that could shake Balalaika out of death worship was this.

I'm not happy about killing a canon character, but I stand by my choice.

Much of the inspiration for Boris's final scene comes from if.the.plane.goes.down's lovely work "Passing Strangers". Her final chapters came through as I was writing this one, and I had to resist the awful urge to swipe her phrases.

I also borrowed a phrase from "The Painted Veil", although I doubt anyone will notice.

In other news, much of my excitement for writing has draining away due to a nasty set of circumstances that I was foolish enough not to see coming. End result: I am not nearly as clever as I had thought and my glorious twist for this story is actually an ending that any sod should see coming from a kagillion miles away. I am sorely tempted to stop writing in a fit of frustration, but I am duty-bound to finish it and my pride is just strong enough to preclude any attempts to pound out seven more chapters of subliterate crap just to reach the end of the storyline.

The whole situation makes me want to put my head in my hands and cry like a child, but I can't. This is fanfic, and nothing about fanfic should be taken that seriously. Besides, my DH would start questioning my slender grasp on reality. He doesn't read anything that I write here, nor does anyone from my real life, so this little disaster is terribly isolating because, well, no one cares. And rightfully so.

*self-indulgent sigh*

So my new goal is to write so well that everyone forgives the now-trite ending. Any feedback on that subject would be appreciated.

EDIT: Ahahaha. I fail at life. Boris is a sergeant, not a lieutenant. Wow. Yikes.

Current mood: disappointed